Adulthood is the Devil

At the age of 21, no matter how mature you think you are, you just aren't. This goes for every type of struggle, every type of person.

I thought I was super mature when I walked into the front doors of Sanford-Brown and made the steps to go to nursing school. When I made the moves and the decisions, you couldn't sway me to do otherwise. An with how stubborn I am, I know now (well, I knew a long time ago) that I should have listened to a few people.

I should have tried another nursing program that would have helped me achieve my RN, instead of being stuck in LPN limbo. We get treated like crap, disrespected, we're underpaid, and have to work 10 times as hard just to show we can do what we can do. We are usually looked down on in the nursing community, civilians usually don't think we're a real nurse, and most people think we are glorified nurses aides.

Since I began nursing in February of 2000, I have worked in nursing homes (were most people think LPN's belong) a medical/surgical/teaching/oncology ward for 4 years, cardiac for 8 months, and then to Alaska, where I did so much, I barely had room on my resume to put it on without someone losing interest.

I have helped babies come into the world and I have helped the elderly and very ill find the light. I am good at what I do, and I actually like what I do. My latest assignment has fond me at the Western Blind Rehabilitation Center in Palo Alto at the VA Hospital. I have been here for 6 months, and I am drawing my time here to a close. I have a little over 2 more weeks, and I couldn't have more ants in my pants to get out of California. This is something I never thought I would say: California just isn't for me. These are words that feel like chest pains and a punch in the stomach both at the same time.

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to live here. But my experiences, downfalls, and disappointments over the last 8 months have almost broken my naive little heart in a way. I have always had an overomantacized view of things, and California was no different. If I ever get down to it, I'll write a book, and finally release to everyone why getting this job was one big mistake.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of fun since I have been here. I have seen almost everything there is to see, both north and south, experienced lovely weather, enjoyed visits to LA and had both my parents visit me as well. I have made a handful of friends as well, but all these are no reason to stay.

No one has seemed to understand me when I say that there is something in the air that doesn't sit right with me. As much as I would like to say lack of humidity, anyone who lives in it would know that's not the case. The people I work with are great, people at the VA are nice and easy to work with, the facility is perfect, and the area couldn't have more interesting trees, plant life, and weather. So what's the deal? Too many bad things that happened, and not enough good things either. It's funny, because everyone so far has begged me to stay. It's just not enough for me I guess. I really wish things would have turned out the way that I had hoped, but I have just decided to roll with the punches, and clock my experiences here as lessons learned and life lived.

If you would have told me that I would be doing this type of work 10 years ago, I would have scoffed and turned my nose at the idea. I cannot believe that I have done all the incredible things I have in the past 10 years, and I really wouldn't trade any of it. I know now that the grass may be greener on the other side, it just might not be as easy to walk on.

CALGON, take me away!

I am going to be out of California in a few weeks, and I am having short timers syndrome big time.

I am going to leave the details to the imagination, but I am going to tale a mental health vacation for a while. When I leave here, I am ceasing from travel nursing for a while.

I haven't been home for a while in pretty much 2 years, and the stress of the visits back while I was on assignment were killing me trying to let my friends and family play tug of war with who gets to spend tine with me. In other words, I am coming home also to please everyone, so they can all leave me alone about me leaving for so long.

Last time I checked, I was still an adult that could make decisions about where I would live and work. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong? I already know I'm crazy, so we can leave that one out of the equation.

In a nutshell, I came to California for the wrong reason, and it has bit me in the ass ever since I got here. One way or another, it's been almost as if this place was telling me I didn't belong here and needed to be somewhere else.

I stayed out of desperation and needing a new assignment to go to. I was only going to stay here another 13 weeks after I was done with the flu clinic, then move along my way.

My luck has been shit. I can't find a position to go to, get a job after that pays decent, or go to a state that I already have a license for. SO, I am going to take a month off and reflect on the things I should be doing with my life.

pots in the fire

So, after about 12 hours of feeling like crap, I can say I am feeling much better after a bowl of soup and a 100 calorie pack of brownies. (five 1"X1" squares, a jip)

Through the laying on couches at work and now here at home, I have been trying to think of more pleasant things other than how nauseated I was and how my abdomen ached like I had just finished 500 crunches from all the vomiting and retching.

I never got a wink of sleep/nap/whatever. I was hoping to catch a little bit of unconsciousness, just to lapse from the misery I was in for just a small moment of time and relief. No dice.

I finally decided to get up, attend to the nursing office in hopes that just being active could make me feeling better. It sort of worked, but not the greatest result. I ended up running to the bathroom again in the middle of the students eating lunch. I'm sure they really would have loved to know that I did that. Glad I didn't say anything.

So after lunch, my coworker Phyllis out of nowhere says that I belong here in California. Left field. According to her there are plenty of places in the area that are affordable. IE: a house that would cost $80,000 in St. Louis would be a mere $500,000 out here. yeah right. I can see the bank man offering me that loan....

Of course, it's always been some retarded dream of mine to live here in California. That's one of the main reasons I jumped at the clinic job. Funny that this thought came up today. I have been having alot of issues lately where the hell I even belong.

Memphis?
St. Louis?
Alaska?
Cali?

Where? I have no foggy idea. There would be a e obstacles I would have to clear before I even thought about making a complete move out here. I hope to stay as long as I can just for the sake of it.

My mother has been hounding me to move back home and going back to school to get my degree. I have no idea. I have some weird feeling that if I left here at the end of May, I would be quitting or giving up somehow.. I hate that feeling, and the last thing I want to do is quit or give up.

I have at least 2 months to think about this before I need to make an ultimate decision once posed by Big Audio Dynamite...Should I stay or should I go?

One of my biggest problems is the fact that I have way too much time on my hands to think about all this stuff. I am going to try and find other means to occupy my time. ANy suggesions?

Slacker

Well, I haven't been on the blog scene for a while, so how about an update? Just a little disclaimer: this might be either long, or the first of many segmented entries to either get things off my chest, or just recap what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. I will decide as I go along.

Spirit of adventure, right?

Well, I am all by myself in the Blind Rehab Center. I got called in to work the night shift for the regular night nurse has called in, and I could really use the overtime pay, and the hours. I just got back to California Wednesday night, and straight back to work Thursday morning.

Which leads me to the first of many gripes. (and ahead of time, I would like to apologize if this becomes too complaintative) My company charges for "unearned housing". Which means in a nutshell; if you don't work your agreed and contracted hours, they charge you somewhere around $11 an hour per hour you missed that you were supposed to have worked. Well. Here we go. I went straight into this assignment here in Palo Alto, without any time off in between to go home, or rest, or anything else. Typically, travellers take one to two weeks off to relax, take care of business, whatever. I needed to keep on track and not have a gap in pay, so I decided to go ahead and start right away. In addition, I was afraid if I didn't start right away, I wouldn't get the job. SO..... Anyhow, I fought and argued with my company, and no dice. They weren't going to allow me a "free" week so I could go home, and now I am going to be charged (debited) out of my account for missing hours, even though I I had approved time off. I smell bullshit.

Of course, even though I missed hours last week, I made up 4 of them by working a 12 hour shift on Saturday. And now, I am double-backing, working midnight shift for 8 hours, on overtime, and will only be short a total of 4 hours all together if they count missing hours by pay schedule, and not by the week. This is definitely something I need to check up on tomorrow with my recruiter. (post-it note already on computer)

California has not been what I had hoped it to be as far as keeping up with finances go. My paychecks have been less than stellar, and I haven't been able to save but a few pennies, and I haven't paid my mother a red, licking cent back for what I owe her since I have been here. I am thinking all this can also originate from the fact that I was off work for 3 weeks, and had to wait 3 more weeks after I got to California to get my first paycheck. I have been trying to get out of the hole since I have been here, and the cost of living in California has been a definite obstacle in trying to stay afloat financially.

A travel nurse can definitely flourish in funds here if he or she is ready for it. I know for a fact that if I came here with the money I left Nome with, I wouldn't have a frown in the world in regards to my pocketbook. But that's the way it goes, this is another one of God's tests to keep me strong, and a definite lesson in time and money management.

I just got paid on Friday, and for some shocking reason, I checked my account today, and have a lot more money than I thought I did. This won't be for long, as I have not seen my cell phone payment go through yet, AT&T will debit my account for the retarded modem I had to buy for internet access and services rendered, and I have yet to pay my car insurance this month. (yes, another post-it note about this on the monitor as we speak)

I did, however manage to pluck $100 out of my checking account and place it into my savings. My one true goal over the next week and a half to to attempt to spend as little money as possible unless necessary for food and gas, and not touch my savings. If I can do this for the next 10 days, I know I will be back on track to getting my savings back in order and start to be able to pay my Mom back what I owe her.

I got some rather sad news yesterday regarding my plans for the near future. I called my Nurse manager, Colleen, to see if she was going to need me from April through June/July, and she has hired some new permanent staff. As this is always subject to change, I am happy for her and the hospital that she will finally have people there all the time and she won't have to deal with that many more travellers, but I am also sad for myself that I cannot go back anytime soon. I had so many financial plans surrounding being stuck in the bush of Alaska for 3 months, and now, I must go on to Plan B, since Plan A(laska), has now gone to pot. I have been severely missing my friends up there, and I really have been missing Nome. I have been missing the snow, and the short winter days and long nights. Being able to go straight to bed in the winter because it was still pitch black outside when I got home from work. Being truly appreciative for crawling into a warm and fuzzy bed, for it was really FREAKING cold outside! Like 20 below zero... I miss going outside to smoke on the back patio at work, or on the front steps of my apartment, trying not to freeze to death, and shiver so much that I can't hold the cigarette. And I truly miss watching large beautiful glistening snowflakes fall in utter silence as they danced across the the lights of the lamp posts. (one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, totally always placing me in the most romantically sad of moods, thinking of the same person every time I witnessed it)

And I miss the Northern Lights. I cannot describe them in words. They most definitely something to behold to the human eye for oneself. A true act of God, for something so beautiful cannot be created by man.


Anyhow, that is the gist of it I think. I have killed about an hour now. I have to go and do bed checks in 15 minutes, so I guess I'll have a cigarette, get back to work, and come back here to blog a little more to keep me awake, for I only had 3 hours of sleep before I got here tonight.

Staying in California

I got hired to work in Blind Rehab for the 13 weeks following this week.

I am not exactly sure I will like the job, but it keeps me from driving to a new city, I get to stay and explore more things and places, and I won't lose any money because I am starting my new assignment right away.

A few cons:
-I won't be home for Xmas (this is hurting my family more than me)
-I have to get all my stuff together and move to an apartment (but a pro to that is that I actually will GET a real apartment)
-This area is ridiculously expensive
-I have to put Chloe in the car AGAIN to move to the new apartment (for anyone who has travelled via automobile with felines, you know this is no treat)
-I have to buy cooking equipment, ie: pots and pans and spatulas and dinnerware and silverware
-I have to buy linens for my bed

Oh well, I can manage I think.

Some of the pros:
-I will be working some nights, holidays, and weekends, so I will be getting more money and probably better paychecks
-After the new year I will be able t5o work 12 hour shifts, so that means more time off
-my family will have a better place to visit me when they come in March


That's just a few things I could think of at the moment.

I am still a little sad that AZ didn't work out. I really like the desert, and would have had fun visiting more of my friends in the area. Maybe next time.

For now, I just happy to be blessed with a job, and able to stay where I am at.