Thursday, December 25, 2008

"Holidays on Ice"

This is a short book written by David Sedaris. I found it on the front table at Barnes and Noble for 8 bucks or so. It was the perfect antidote for the infection of holiday cheer involuntarily shoved down my throat.

I recommend anyone read it, as it's only 130 pages or so, and worth a true laugh.

I reserved the book to read for today, and it was the best Christmas gift I've ever given myself.

Now that the holiday is almost over, I am more relieved and less stressed.

I hope you all had a good holiday and spent it with the ones you love. I did get to do such a thing, as my favorite family tradition is the whole Swartz Mafia meets at my Uncle Joe's the day after Christmas, where we eat our faces off, and tell embarrassing stories about every one.

My favorite subjects are as follows:

4) At Grandma Swartz's, around the age of 2, I shoved a bar of soap down the toilet, and my dad spent over 2 hours trying to get the soap to wear down before it could be evacuated from the drain.

3) We were on out way to my Aunt Judy Potter's house for a visit, just my parents and myself. I was around 12 years old. I don't recall if my sister Jessica was with us, but I'll confirm that tomorrow. Anyhow, I had wretched abdominal pain to the point where I was in tears, writhing in pain in the backseat of the car. As soon as we get inside, Aunt Judy knows exactly what's wrong with me. She lays some bulky pillows on the floor, has me assume a prone position with the pillows directly applying pressure to my belly, and for the next 2 hours I spend it regaining comfort after passing serious gas that filled the basement.

2) Also at the age of 12, my Grampa Blankenship died. At his funeral, I was bored to tears, as any 12 year old child would be. I decided to follow my cousin Andrea around the casket, observing the beautiful flowers adorning it. Unfortunately, I did not know I was supposed to gauge my distance from the casket when my left foot slipped underneath, allowing me to fall underneath Grampa. I did not fall completely in, as I sprained my ankle attempting to stay 6 feet up. I pulled on the handlebar at the end of the casket to stay 'afloat', and the thing tipped slightly as the inertia of my 75 pound body and Grampa's 100 pounds threw it off balance. This scared the living shit out of me. I screamed as loud as I could, and before I knew it, my cousin Eric had scooped me up and sat me down in the only car without an unlocked door-the hurse. Don't believe this story? Well my girl scout troop didn't either. We couldn't afford crutches for me, so I arrived at my troop meeting with a cane, and for the first time I was telling a true story, (as I was known to tell very tall tales) I was presumed to have 'cried wolf' as they didn't believe me. Still don't believe me? Ask my parents. Although this is a horrible thing to happen as a child, I laugh my ass off to this day, as I am the only person I know that this could have happened to.

1) I was about 2 years old again, at a gas station with the Swartz clan. I had to pee. (I potty trained early as most girls do) No one had time to take me to the bathroom, so I rolled down the window, pulled my britches down, and peed down the side of the car. I was a defiant child, and to this day, again, I think I am the only person capable of such a feat.

This is what I am looking forward to tomorrow at Uncle Joe's.

Merry Christmas.

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