Well I am beginning to think that accepting and wanting this assignment out here in CA has been one whopping big mistake.
I really like where I work, they like me, they want me to stay.
Here's the catch:
They don't want me as a traveller, but as a staff member.
I would, but I can't afford this place.
I have made some "friends". Well, more so aquaintances that I can muck around at work with, but as far as people to hang out with and count on, well that's a no-go.
I had plans tonight, which I was really excited about. Well since I just got paid, and hadn't really been out at all, I figured this was gonna be the greatest 3 day weekend ever. I was wrong. Just got stood up with a message explaining that my company was too hung over from the previous night. Thanks alot.
Now I have nothing to do except sit at home, watch tv, play on the computer, and drink Stella Artois, and just hope I can go to bed without a headache from crying.
I was super ecxited to come here, especially since I knew some people in the area. Well, I have found that trying to occupy my time with people is not what I was supposed to come here to do.
I am soley here to be a a laboror.
I truly think I was meant to just be here and that is all. The only thing keeping my slightly sane is the fact that I have my cat here with me.
I haven't been able to hang out with my friend Janet from Memphis as much as I would like to since I didn 't have the money or gas to go to Monterey.
I haven't in the past 3 weeks been able to get in touch with my friend Sean from the Army. I am starting to get worried about him, since I know he was looking forward to getting together and hanging out. I know he is not blowing me off. I am thinking he is moving, as he had hinted before, but I guess I won't know anything until I hear from him.
My freind Corissa is currently feeling ill, and I don't think I will bug her while she isn't well, since I have just recovered from being sick myself.
I am trying to make sense of all this sadness right now since I was so happy and excited to be out here.
Maybe it's because this isn't the California I dreamt about. I have wanted to live here since I was 10 years old. Dreams have come true, but the nightmare is the reality I am starting to think.
I am ready to tell my recruiter that I am gonna leave here early. I hope I can find a position in another faqcility and not have any time inbetween assignments. I know I need to keep moving. I have been letting myself get too attatched to the romantic asthetics of location to location. And to be truthful, St. Louis is the only place I think I can wholly be happy. The unfortunate circumstances of it all is that STL is the last place I can be. I think that is what is killing me the most.
I have no idea what I am looking for. I have never felt so lonely in my life.