Saturday, November 10, 2007

mistake?

Well I am beginning to think that accepting and wanting this assignment out here in CA has been one whopping big mistake.
I really like where I work, they like me, they want me to stay.
Here's the catch:
They don't want me as a traveller, but as a staff member.
I would, but I can't afford this place.
I have made some "friends". Well, more so aquaintances that I can muck around at work with, but as far as people to hang out with and count on, well that's a no-go.
I had plans tonight, which I was really excited about. Well since I just got paid, and hadn't really been out at all, I figured this was gonna be the greatest 3 day weekend ever. I was wrong. Just got stood up with a message explaining that my company was too hung over from the previous night. Thanks alot.
Now I have nothing to do except sit at home, watch tv, play on the computer, and drink Stella Artois, and just hope I can go to bed without a headache from crying.
I was super ecxited to come here, especially since I knew some people in the area. Well, I have found that trying to occupy my time with people is not what I was supposed to come here to do.
I am soley here to be a a laboror.
I truly think I was meant to just be here and that is all. The only thing keeping my slightly sane is the fact that I have my cat here with me.
I haven't been able to hang out with my friend Janet from Memphis as much as I would like to since I didn 't have the money or gas to go to Monterey.
I haven't in the past 3 weeks been able to get in touch with my friend Sean from the Army. I am starting to get worried about him, since I know he was looking forward to getting together and hanging out. I know he is not blowing me off. I am thinking he is moving, as he had hinted before, but I guess I won't know anything until I hear from him.
My freind Corissa is currently feeling ill, and I don't think I will bug her while she isn't well, since I have just recovered from being sick myself.

I am trying to make sense of all this sadness right now since I was so happy and excited to be out here.
Maybe it's because this isn't the California I dreamt about. I have wanted to live here since I was 10 years old. Dreams have come true, but the nightmare is the reality I am starting to think.

I am ready to tell my recruiter that I am gonna leave here early. I hope I can find a position in another faqcility and not have any time inbetween assignments. I know I need to keep moving. I have been letting myself get too attatched to the romantic asthetics of location to location. And to be truthful, St. Louis is the only place I think I can wholly be happy. The unfortunate circumstances of it all is that STL is the last place I can be. I think that is what is killing me the most.

I have no idea what I am looking for. I have never felt so lonely in my life.

3 comments:

kara marie said...

Hi there, Kara here. I followed you over here from Sean's myspace page.

Sean was one of my roomates here in San Francisco for a few months, and a friend for years. About a month ago he made the move back to NY, and i haven't heard from him in weeks. Not sure what's going on over there, but he's not been in contact with anyone out here, so it's not just you, or me...

I'm sorry that your first experience out here hasn't been so great, it can be a hard area to adjust to. Took me two tries out here to get it right. I know you don't know me from adam, but if you're ever wanting someone to show you around the city, I'd be happy to putter around with you. I don't know the city perfectly, but always enjoy exploring. Just drop me a line on myspace if you're interested, and I'll give you my number. If not, absolutely cool too, just wanted to let you know the offer is there.

Hope to hear from you soon. :]

Swartzie said...

Well, that sure explains a hell of alot!

Dave said...

Everything is close to everything in San Fran! Its a great city to explore... I'm sure you've been there by now. An odd mix of a city going on about its business, but still amazing touristy stuff to experience.

Of course there is the uber schlocky stuff at Fishermans Wharf...but just cross the street and *boom* you see great things and the tourist crap that is a stones throw away in reality is miles away in experience....

Also...El Camino used to be the main drag before 101, so there is lots to explore up and down the peninsula at these little towns.

OK, some may argue that they are all versions of the same town between Mt View and Burlingame, but there is always something to explore. When summer rolls around again you'll see...its street fair o rama.... I'm guessing you missed the MASSIVE Mt View street fair on Castro since you weren't here yet, but it kicks ass...I'm lucky I live walking distance from Casto St...(but drive anyway, since I'm a lazy bastard sometimes)